Coping
When a tragedy involving a young person occurs in a local community, people are devastated. They want to know why it had to happen and what they can do to prevent it from happening again. There may be an immediate surge of media attention involving the incident and new interest in the questions it raises. However, before anything is done, the grief and healing need to be addressed.
Understanding Emotions
What You Can Do
Guidelines for Tributes
Where To Turn for Help
Working with the Media
Handling Anniversaries of Tragedies
People are often surprised by how overwhelming their emotions are when they are faced with a tragedy such as the serious injury to or loss of a friend or family member in something as unexpected as an alcohol-related crash or a crash that resulted from speeding or distraction among other possible tragedies.
It's important to understand that everyone deals with grief in their own way. Some people turn inward, refusing to talk about their feelings and the loss. Many people try to put their grief aside and "get over it." Others lash out, angry that life can be so cruel. Some look for someone or something to blame. Others share their emotions easily and are willing to talk about how they feel.
The grief process is just that—a process, with stages that people go through at their own pace. Understanding the process can help you help others get through it.
Shock and Denial. This is often the initial reaction: shock, a feeling of numbness or hollowness, and possibly even denial. It’s hard to believe the classmate with whom you shared jokes in Calculus class will never be back. Did this really happen?
Confusion and Fear. How can someone be alive one minute and dead the next? How and why did this happen and can it happen to me? People try to make sense of a incomprehensible situation.
Anger . Anger can be directed toward the student who died—especially if he or she was driving or declared by law enforcement as “responsible” for the death. Or, anger can be directed at someone else whom students deem as responsible for the death.
Guilt. It’s devastating to think that you might have prevented a tragedy. Some students will feel that they should have or could have done something—even if they truly could’t have. At least not in this particular instance—but that’s where you can get fuel for your campaign to make a difference.
Unbalance. With every passing day, the reality of the death becomes more evident as those left behind try to adjust to life without their friend or family member. Emotions can range from sadness to anger and depression as people begin to understand the implications of the loss and how it might affect them. This stage can last for several months or even years.
Acceptance. With time and effective support, people begin to accept the finality of the death and find a way to balance their lives. That’s not to say they forget the lost friend or family member—they simply realize that their lives do go on.
Listening is the most important thing you can do to help those affected by a tragedy. Be non-judgmental, allow them to share their feelings without interruption or un-solicited advice, and express your support and understanding. Don’t say, “I know exactly how you feel.” You don’t. Rather, say something like “I understand what a huge loss this is and how you must be feeling right now.”
Some people work through their grief more quickly than others. While the inclination might be to provide a flurry of support for the first several days and then assume people are fine, that’s not always the case. Some people can take months or even years to recover from a loss. Certainly don’t tell anyone it’s time to move on. Regardless how long it’s been since the tragedy, be there for those who are grieving as long as they need you. Be tolerant of the different ways people grieve.
Celebrate: Tribute Activities
It may help to celebrate the life of the person who died. This can help people get through the early stages of the grieving process, as it allows them to acknowledge how special the person was.
Before you plan any type of tribute or memorial activity, check with your principal or superintendent and the parents/families of the person who died. Some districts discourage or simply forbid any kind of memorial or tribute service based at the school simply because it may promote unwanted behaviors by other students.
The National Association of School Psychologists (www.nasponline.org) suggests that if you are able and do want to plan a tribute activity, make it a positive experience—a celebration of the person’s life and a message for all the other students about living life to the fullest. Some ideas for tribute activities include:
- Keep the tribute brief and appropriate to the age of the students.
- Include soothing music and student performances.
- Select speakers who are well-known to the students and whom they respect.
- Ask permission of and invite family members to attend.
- All staff and students should attend unless parents specifically object. Such programs can unite the school community and send the message that each individual is important. If some students choose to not attend, provide a quiet activity as an alternative.
- Balloons and candles are effective ways to promote a positive, uplifting message that acknowledges pain and sadness yet is also hopeful for the future.
- Following a tribute service, students should return to their classrooms for at least a short time to talk with each other, their teacher, or a mental health staff member.
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Memorials remind us of a person who has died or an event in which people died, and they provide a place for people to express emotions and be supported by the community. They give witness to our grief and remind those who follow of the tragedy that was overcome. They can be celebratory or serene, but all are intended as a reminder of a significant event. They permanently remind us of the lives lost, often tragically.
Schools should consider carefully the decision to create permanent, physical memorials to deceased students or staff members. In many cases, an alternative memorial activity is
preferable to a permanent, fixed memorial. It is not recommended to erect a memorial after a suicide, as it may be seen as glamorizing the event.
A decision to erect permanent memorials requires thoughtful considerations for not only
the school staff but also the families, including the siblings, of the victims. These considerations include, but are not limited to:
- Retraumatization – Memorials may actually serve to force people to think about the event over and over and go through the trauma again and again.
- Design – What should it look like? How will people perceive it today? How will people perceive it in the future?
- Maintenance – Can the memorial be maintained? Are there funds to maintain it?
- Memorial Policy - Marleen Wong, director of Crisis Counseling and Intervention Services, advises, "School memorials should be simple, meaningful and life affirming. Memorials set a precedent for the future and thus need to be equitable." She adds that schools should avoid constructing a large memorial for one student, then a minimal one for another student.
- Input – Several different ideas should be gathered from several different groups before the final plan is set.
- Time Commitment – Sometimes it takes years to plan a memorial.
- Location – Where will it be placed?
- Donations – Who will manage donations? How will the project be funded?
If a permanent memorial is not the best way for your community to respond, you may want to consider these memorial activities:
- Establishing a scholarship fund for graduating seniors or a foundation in the name of the deceased
- Gifts of library books or equipment
- Planting of a tree or shrub, with a plaque identifying the student and funds earmarked for adequate care
- Cards, letters, and memory books written by students for the family of the deceased (school counseling staff should review students' written material or art work before giving them to the family to ensure that all content is sensitive and appropriate)
- Spontaneous memorials such as flowers at the site
- A moment of silence marking the event
- A temporary display honoring the deceased at school
- A memorial service or candlelight vigil
- A temporary plaque at the school, given to the family
Memorials are an effective way to remember loss and celebrate life. If handled appropriately, they can serve provide a healing effect for the community and a lasting positive memory of all individuals that were involved in the tragedy.
Peer support is a vital part of the coping and grieving process. Students often want to be with their friends, who “understand” them and are less likely, they think, to judge their behavior at times like these. But students often need more than their friends to handle deep loss or a sense of overwhelming grief or anger or emptiness. A number of organizations focus on helping students and adults cope with tragedy.
As you begin your mission to turn something bad into something positive, you may encounter people who
1) want to help you get your story out
2) want to learn more about your project
3) want to focus on the negative aspects of the situation.
Your whole message to the media—if you decide to speak with them—should convey your commitment, as young leaders, to ensure tragedy is prevented in the future, if possible, and to show united strength, maturity, and composure.
Face it, everyone likes drama, but this is not the time nor the place to show it. If you are prepared before a tragedy happens, you will know exactly what you want to say and you’ll say it with dignity, maturity, and conviction. One person should be the spokesperson for the group, but by no means should the other students shy away. Present a united front.
Remember: Your role is not to speak for the school or for the district. Your role is to speak on behalf of student leaders who are concerned about turning adversity into positive education and action.
An anniversary provides the community an occasion to honor the survivors and recognize organizations and community members who helped during the tragedy. Although
anniversary activities must be tailored for each community, general guidelines include but are not limited to the following:
- Involve students, faculty, and community members in the planning.
- Hold an open house to provide community members the opportunity to remember the event individually.
- Plan an organized program in collaboration with community partners.
- Work with the media to establish guidelines for interviewing selected school and community personnel, and for limiting access to students or families.
- Work with partners such as law enforcement to provide security during the day.
- Conduct school on the anniversary date, and possibly acknowledge the event through a moment of silence.
- Provide additional counseling support for a few days surrounding the anniversary since the date may trigger reactions for some students and staff members.
Source: US Department of Education Emergency Response and Crisis Technical Assistance Center
